How to Annoy People, Long list of Oneliners

Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.

Wear your cap backwards and say “Yo, wazzup?” a lot.

Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton’s cousin.

Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.

Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.

Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.

Wire up people’s cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.

Ride a unicycle to work.

E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren’t actually there.  read more »



Cash Trick

I place $20 in a box.

So do you.

Now the box contains $40, and we both know it.

I sell the box to you for $30.

And we both walk away with a $10 profit.

(Thanks, Ben.)



Brunette and Blonde in a bakery.

A brunette and an blonde go into a bakery.

The blonde immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the brunette, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The brunette says to the blonde, “That’s typical of you blondes. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”  read more »



Confusing Names

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.



Not all blonde women are dumb

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.  read more »



Fewer heart attacks

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



Halloween Funny Questions and Answers

Q. Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
A. Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!

Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It’s good for the bones.

Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A. You suck.

Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A. So long sucker!

Q. What do they teach in witching school?
A. Spelling.

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance ?
A. Because he had no body to go with.

Q. What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?
A. They PUMP–KIN!!!



How to be totally awesome

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"  read more »



Speed Trap Ahead

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.



Top Funny Oneliner

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Born free, taxed to death.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.  read more »

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