Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

* "Do you have books here?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

* "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")  read more »

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.

PLATO:
For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.  read more »

*  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.  Ask, "How long can I keep it?  Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
         read more »

Irish police chasing a Polish driver who had apparently committed more then 50 motoring offences have discovered the embarrassing truth.

Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious 'Prawo Jazdy' had always produced his documents - but with a different address each time.

However, they have now discovered that 'Prawo Jazdy' is Polish for driving licence, reports Metro.  read more »

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal  read more »

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  read more »

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  read more »

Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
A: He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?
A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
A: He's the one on his bike.

Q: What do you call a blonde at university?
A: A visitor.

Q. Why does a blonde smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.  read more »

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redhead’s house while the redhead’s father was out.

The father had a pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left, the girls took him out.

The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings.

“Now you’ve done it!” the red head yelled at the blonde. “Go buy him another one just like that, here’s some money.” The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. “  read more »

There was this case in the hospital’s Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought  read more »