Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?  read more »

- If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
- If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
- If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
- If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
- If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.  read more »

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July  read more »

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.  read more »

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.  read more »

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”.

After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it’s cool, follow my lead!" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door "no dogs allowed sir!" tom insisted "oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in" "it is? But that’s a dauchound !"  read more »

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.  read more »

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant1: I'm here for the accounting position

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant1: 4

Boss: get out

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.

Accountant2: hey I'm here for the accounting position

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant2: 4

Boss: get out.  read more »

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Three mice were being chased by a cat.

The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared.

Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"