Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"  read more »

In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

Student: I is the ...

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A teenage blonde girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

The following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'

Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

RS: ' Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'

G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: 'What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'  read more »

Some most difficult things to do in the World....

1. You can't count ur hair.

2. You can't wash ur eyes with soap.

3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out
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Now, please put your tongue back inside as other people may be watching you with your tongue out ... ;)

I was walking past the mental hospital
the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, "13....13....13...13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but i saw a little gap in the planks, so i looked
through to see what was going on.

Some stupid idiot poked me in my eye with a sick.
Then they all started shouting, "14...14....14...14."

After this i learned a lesson to mind my own business and not to sneak around...

Dr. Albert Einstein was traveling to Universities in his car , delivering lectures on his theory of relativity. During one journey, the driver remarked " Dr. Einstein, I have heard you deliver that lecture about 30 times. I know it by heart and bet I could give it myself."

"Well, I'll give you the chance", said the Dr. "They don't know me at the next University, so when we get there, I'll put on your cap, and you introduce yourself as Dr. Einstein and give the lecture."  read more »