Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A man is at his lawyer’s funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.

He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man’s funeral?”

A man turns towards him and says, “We’re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we came  read more »

A little boy  went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone number).

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?  read more »

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50."

The next day  read more »

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.  That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner gets to go another round.  read more »

Beware of Prince Charles

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.!
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

IN THE FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO MARRY, SOMEBODY PLEASE WARN THE POPE.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’
The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)  read more »

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig..

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.  read more »

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."  read more »

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

His target was H&J Leather & Firearms. A gun shop specializing in handguns.

The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.  read more »

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.  read more »