Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

Me: “Well sir, you returned–”  read more »

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation  read more »

One day after work, the blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza.

When it was ready, the waiter asked if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.

"Better  read more »

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!  read more »

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.

He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice  read more »

She was soooo blonde that ...

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

She sold the car for gas money.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.  read more »

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."  read more »

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian,

"This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks  read more »

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of couse the famer is a blonde. :)

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.  read more »

A truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.
He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.

The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish -- not three -- just one."  read more »