Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Texting codes for senior citizens is bit different than what we teens have been using texting codes like LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc. Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids) Finally senior citizens can have their own texting codes! Glad you senior citizens will use these texting codes extensively ....

Texting Codes for Senior Citizens as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth [this one is very hilarious]

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center  read more »

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.  read more »

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes.

So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.

The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes.

The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.  read more »

Our english is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc....... Who got time for grammer, punctuation and others ... Simple and straight

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?  read more »

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

-------------------------------  read more »

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself,
when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?, Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on."

The Wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.  read more »

A guy is down on his luck.

He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.

He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful, What should I pack for .... Europe, Asia, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

Romney and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.  read more »

1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.

2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.

3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.

4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.