Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels.

Q. What is Obama's new 999 plan for America?
A. $9.99 a gallon gasoline.
Tip o'the hat to Newt

Q. Why does Obama keep jacking up the cost of gasoline?
A. So that voters can't afford to drive to the polls in November.

Obama is demanding that Congress give him another trillion dollar spending bill. Most of it is just for gas money.

Q, Why are jobs at all time lows and gas at all time highs?
A. Obama's back from vacation.

1. Obama wouldn't wear brown shoes with a blue suit.
2. Obama really, really likes dogs.
3. The White House lawn is nice.
4. No more Pontiacs.
5. Gold is at an all time high.
6. Obama knows all the best golf courses.
7. Obama's ears don't obstruct his vision.
8. Obama has visited all 57 states.
9. Obama hasn't violated the Third Amendment.
10. Obama wouldn't wear blue shoes with a brown suit.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.  read more »

What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
Oh look, little donut seeds.

How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.

Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?"

What do you call a blond with a high IQ?
A golden retriever.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.  read more »

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp.

They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie.

The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"

So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone.

The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she is gone.  read more »

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."

so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.  read more »

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.  read more »

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."  read more »

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops.

After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."