One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in
the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part
of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss
know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"Please don't!" said the dog. "If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me
answer the phone, too!"
Two dogs were walking along a road. One dog stopped and said, "My name is Fido. What's yours?"
The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied, "I think it's Down Boy."
John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:00 A.M., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
Two poodles were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
The second dog says, "Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?"
To this the first dog remarks, "How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch!"
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take
care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think
that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
The teacher was asking Harold some math questions.
Teacher: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two
rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop,
and two bottles of pop, and another two bottles of pop, how many bottles
of pop do you have?
Teacher: Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is
seven? read more »
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" read more »
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use.
One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. T
he second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane.
The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. read more »
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'