Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Gopi and Ramu were out cutting wood, and Ramu accidentally cut his arm off. Gopi wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Ramu to a surgeon.

The surgeon said 'You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours.'

So Gopi left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said 'I got done quicker than I expected. Ramu is down at the movies.' Gopi went to the movies and there was Ramu, clapping at the screen.  read more »

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the blonde secretary on the ground floor for an important file.
Since it was rather urgent the boss told the secretary it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the blonde clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The blonde secretary replies,  read more »

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'

'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'

'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'

A Blonde was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

'What can I do for you?' She politely asked. 'Are you selling something?'

'No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker.'

'A what?'

'A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in USA.'

'You're  read more »

Two Blondes rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'

'One Million Dollars!'

'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'

'I bought a house. How about your sack?'

'Bah... it was full of bills.'

'And what did you do with them?'  read more »

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, 'Head up or head down?'  read more »

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.

'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed'? asked miser Santa Singh.

'It's 50 Rupees a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely.

'Fine,' said Santa Singh after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down: 'Banta - dead'.'

'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly.

'That's it.'

'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.'  read more »

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?'

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'  read more »

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"  read more »

The Otis Elevator Company have announced the introduction of radical new technology in their latest range of lifts which actually increases the response time of the lift the more you press the call button. Following extensive consumer research, the company identified a niche in the market as elevators across the world were reported to be completely ignoring repetitive hole pressing.  read more »