Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor - “If you have Tension and headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".”

How does the stock market work.

admin — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:32:36 -0700

A stockbroker was cold-calling about a penny stock and found a taker.

“I think this one will really move,” said the broker, “It’s only $1 a share.” “Buy me 1,000 shares,” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5,000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and saw the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares,” said the client. “Great!” said the broker. read more »

Accident Insurance Claims

admin — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 09:26:18 -0700

Insurance is not normally something that you can associate with laughter, so we have collated these insurance jokes, quotes and stories for you

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." read more »

Automotive Mileage Meter

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 21:07:09 -0700

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility you can make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." read more »

Blonde Terrorist

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:49:29 -0700

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blond passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blond man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo."

Perplexed, the stewardess said read more »

Revenge Practical Jokes

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:23:19 -0700

Garage Sale
Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!

Oil Spot
At night pour used oil underneath the read more »

Famous Albert Einstein Quotes

admin — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:35:02 -0700

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
-Albert Einstein

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
-Albert Einstein

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving"
-Albert Einstein

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
-Albert Einstein read more »

Last Words of Famous People

admin — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 18:50:51 -0700

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Francisco ("Pancho") Villa

I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast!
"Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber

Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

Get these ******** nuns away from me.
Norman Douglas

Don't worry...it's not loaded... read more »

Road Kill Helper

admin — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:02:03 -0700

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. read more »

Mental Health Helpline

admin — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:53:08 -0700

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health
hotline.

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. read more »

Famous Quotes

admin — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:46:18 -0700

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - and I'm also not blonde. Dolly Parton

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. Carrie Snow

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. Rhonda Hansome

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

Comedy is like catching lightning in a bottle. Goldie Hawn

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. Jennifer Whenifer read more »

Blonde Working the Pole

admin — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:43:30 -0700

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women. The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, “Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job.” read more »

Parking for Blonde

admin — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:49:14 -0700

Henry and his wife live in Cranbrook, B.C. Last week while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 12 inches to 18 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through.”
Henry's wife goes out and moves her car.

A few days later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 16 inches to 20 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through.” read more »

Contact President Bush

admin — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 06:44:38 -0700

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine
standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away. read more »

Dumbest Quiz Answers

admin — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:48:20 -0600

There are plenty of games shows on TV, “Who Wants To be a Millionaire?” and “University Challenge,” where some people make inevitably fools of themselves.

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22,1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then

Presenter: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump

Presenter: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant: Er, it’s not in Scotland is it? read more »

How to report stolen Marijuana

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 18:12:28 -0600

A boy calls police to report his stolen weed, police meet boy, police find some of weed at his house.

According to the Associated Press, a man was arrested after reporting someone stole his marijuana and police found some of the stolen stash in his home.

The man reportedly told police two masked gunman stole 150 pounds of his marijuana. Police have been combing the Baskin-Robbins for their whereabouts ever since. read more »

Fire insurance covering smoking cigarettes

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 16:41:26 -0600

(Straight from the Virginia State Police, Insurance Fraud Division, Dinwiddie County)

A Charlotte, North Carolina man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company read more »

Why So Serious

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 14:21:05 -0600

1. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? read more »

Funny Warning Labels

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 11:10:23 -0600

Some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: read more »

Killer Bee Attack Hundred

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 10:39:08 -0600

12 million bees escape after California crash.

It must have been a driver's worst nightmare - cruising down the highway and suddenly running smack into millions of angry swarming bees.

The bees were on the loose in California after a truck in which they were being transported flipped on its side on the highway.

The California Highway Patrol said eight to 12 million of the honey bees escaped from read more »

Cheap Flower Delivery

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 10:11:02 -0600

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card.

It said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, read more »

Movie Reviews

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 08:24:27 -0600

Things you would never know without the Movies

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. read more »

Advertising Terms

admin — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:57:53 -0600

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. read more »

Give a Man a Fish and He Eats For One Day

admin — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:29:15 -0600

Give a man a fish and he eats for one day.

Teach a man to fish and .....

He will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment,

Stupid looking clothes,

a sports utility vehicle,

travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot,

and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish.

(Average cost per fish: $395.68) read more »

Stupid Bank Robbers

admin — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:18:43 -0600

A New York man is alleged to have tried to open an account at a bank, four days after robbing it.

Police claim Jack Schreiner is the same man who held up the Queens branch of Chase Manhattan.

Staff telephoned police saying read more »

Common Proverbs

admin — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 20:05:15 -0600

As any experienced conversationalist can tell you, ambiguity is the key to winning any argument. Following are a few popular proverbs and counter-proverbs that will allow you to turn a conversation in any direction you want. Who can argue with the wit and wisdom of our fore fathers, or even our five fathers?

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Clothes make the man. read more »

List of Medical Terminology

admin — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 18:13:38 -0600

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie read more »

Disciplining Children

admin — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 17:53:17 -0600

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. read more »

How to keep my wife happy.

admin — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 18:51:02 -0600

101 (Small) Things To Keep The Wife Happy

1. Give her a hug every day

2. Say "I Love You" at the end of every phone conversation

3. Remember to take out the garbage

4. Take the kids for a walk (or drive). Alone time does wonders for refreshment.

5. Make her her favorite drink (whether it be coffee, tea, soda, or martini)

6. Ask about her day

7. Make dinner every now and again (or bring home take out without being asked) read more »

Ecstasy Effects

admin — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:47:09 -0600

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. read more »

Understanding Women in Relationships

admin — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 10:38:52 -0600

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" read more »