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Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.


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Comments

Fri, 11/20/2009 - 17:31 — DC (not verified)

Chuck Norris uses live king

Chuck Norris uses live king cobras as condoms...

Wed, 11/11/2009 - 03:40 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris won a poker

chuck norris won a poker tornament with a joker, a green uno card, and a movie ticket!

Tue, 11/10/2009 - 13:37 — Anonymous (not verified)

the meteor that killed the

the meteor that killed the dinosaurs was actually chuck norris's round house kick

Tue, 11/10/2009 - 03:10 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
The only thing we have to fear is Chuck himself.

Tue, 11/10/2009 - 00:54 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck sexy

Chuck Norris once had an erection lying down, and he struck oil

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, he won.

Chuch Norris once had sex inside a semi-truck. Part of his sperm got in the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Sat, 11/07/2009 - 03:38 — (CNN) (not verified)

Atom Norris

I got a few

" CNN stands for Chuck Norris News. "

" The two most powerful chemicals in an atom bomb are CN. Chuck Norris "

" They tried making an atom bomb equal to one Chuck Norris RoundHouse Kick. They never even made it a quarter of the way there. "

Fri, 11/06/2009 - 14:11 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris' sperm

Chuck norris' sperm is so strong that IT could round house kick you in the face.

Wed, 11/04/2009 - 03:11 — Anonymous (not verified)

Very funnny quotes, I got

Very funnny quotes, I got one :) (well.. two :P)

Chuck Norris doesn't shave with a razor blade, he uses his hands cause only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris....

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight, not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris...

Thu, 10/22/2009 - 11:00 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris' whole body is

Chuck Norris' whole body is a registered weapon. Shoot even his name Scares Deaf People!!!!

Wed, 10/21/2009 - 06:01 — Mollie (not verified)

<3 Chuck Norris

they say the grass is always greener on the other side - unless Chuck Norris has been there.. in that case the grass is blood soaked and covered in bodies!

Wed, 11/11/2009 - 11:30 — maja (not verified)

chuck norris and superman

chuck norris and superman were fighting and the loser had to wear panties over his jeans all his life.
water boiles faster when chuck norris looks at water.
the buss driver buys a ticket when chuck norris enters the bus.

Tue, 10/20/2009 - 14:09 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris doesnt mix

chuck norris doesnt mix cement......he brushes his teath and uses it as mouth wash

Fri, 10/09/2009 - 02:03 — Ethan Hann (not verified)

Chuck Norris; Sex

When Chuck Norris has sex, he is always on top because he never fucks up.

Thu, 10/08/2009 - 18:39 — jase man (not verified)

CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck norris doesn't tee bag... He potato sacks.

Thu, 10/08/2009 - 18:36 — Dylan (not verified)

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' daughter recently lost her virginity.....he got it back.

Wed, 09/23/2009 - 17:02 — Brandon Montgomery (not verified)

dang

damn those were funny as HELL!!!

Fri, 08/28/2009 - 14:56 — JPM (not verified)

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Sat, 08/15/2009 - 18:31 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is lukes real father

Tue, 07/28/2009 - 18:10 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris can touch mc

Chuck Norris can touch mc hammer

Tue, 07/28/2009 - 18:09 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris can touch ms

Chuck Norris can touch ms hammer

Mon, 07/20/2009 - 22:29 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris is so dumb that

chuck norris is so dumb that even a gnat could beat him up

Fri, 10/02/2009 - 11:48 — Anonymous (not verified)

homo chuck norris will beat

homo chuck norris will beat you with your own penis

Sun, 07/19/2009 - 03:17 — angela♥ Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris

chuck norris was not born by a women,he was born by jesus.
chuck norris does not fear fear, fear fears chuck norris.
aliens are real,they are chuck norrises children.
if chuck norris and a fat kid got in a fight over chocolate cake,chuck norris would win.
guns dont kill ppl,chuck norris's beard kills ppl.
chuck norris and some other guy with a mustache and tha guy with a mustache won...
chuck norris got in a fight with a VCR player...now it plays dvds.

Sat, 08/08/2009 - 10:01 — Anonymous (not verified)

dude they are shit

dude they are shit

Tue, 07/14/2009 - 22:32 — starr (not verified)

check out some more funny

check out some more funny chuck norris jokes here
http://hubpages.com/hub/jokes-about-Chuck-Norris

Thu, 07/02/2009 - 16:17 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chucker

When god said "and let there be light"! Chuck Norris said "Say please.

Chuck Norris once killed a Grizzly bear with his bare hands because it dared to have more chest hair than him.

When Chuck Norris was born the doctor didn't smack his ass, he shook his hand.

Fri, 06/26/2009 - 00:45 — Pierre Cause My Bladders Empty (not verified)

Chuck

Chuck Norris Does Not Get Struck by Lightning,Lightning Gets Struck By Chuck Norris
Superman Can't feel Pain,But chuck norris makes superman feel pain
Iron Man Built his suit out of chuck norris' hair

Tue, 06/23/2009 - 03:23 — john (not verified)

chuck noriss can kill death

chuck noriss can kill death

Sun, 06/21/2009 - 23:27 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

Wed, 06/17/2009 - 23:37 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris is so hot...

Chuck Norris is so hot that fire gets near him to get warm.

Sat, 06/13/2009 - 09:09 — EmilyM (not verified)

ChuckNorris

Chuck Norris can fast foward Live T.V.

Sat, 05/30/2009 - 20:07 — matty (not verified)

there are no steroids in

there are no steroids in sport. only people chuck norris has touched!!

Fri, 05/29/2009 - 21:21 — Anonymous (not verified)

chuck norris

chuck norris is so hot....he outshines the sun.
the sun doesnt burn u....chuck norris burns the sun
chuck norris creates money buy roundhousing a tree.
there are drouts in the deserts because it rained without chuck norris' permission.
the deserts used to be mountains until chuck norris got a hold of 'em.
the waitress asked chuck norris wat he wants for dinner...tht night the waitress died.
chuck norris' girlfriend called him silly billy. he replied with "thts not my name!! thts not my name!!!'..she was never seen again.
chuck norris is babelicious.
chuck norris killed hannah montana because of the song "nobody's perfect"...he felt personally attacked.
chuck norris touched mc hammer.
elvis gave chuck norris the finger....the next day he was found dead on the toilet, with his finger so far up his nose...his brain just stopped working.
time is money...for chuck norris time is deaths.
chuck norris looked at Xena...and she exploded. he replied with "not so tuff now."
CHUCK NORRIS IS SOOO HOT...EVEN HIS MOM WANTS TO BANG HIM.

Tue, 06/02/2009 - 22:48 — Anonymous (not verified)

kcuhc sirron

kcuhc sirron

Fri, 05/29/2009 - 21:28 — papagoose (not verified)

Papa Goose

these jokes r awesome! i will surely use these at school =)
i am very greatful for ur amazing superiority and awesomeness.
will u marry me? i will pay for the wedding!?? PLEASE.

Mon, 05/18/2009 - 19:22 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris and Mr.T walked

Chuck Norris and Mr.T walked into a bar. The bar instantly exploded, as that level of awsome cant be contained in one building.

Sun, 05/17/2009 - 01:05 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris laughs at

Chuck Norris laughs at towels because Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris

Q: Why are there earthquakes???
A: Chuck Norris stepped on a tectonic plate

Voldemort and Harry Potter once teamed up to try and kill Chuck Norris. Apparently Harry Potter isn't the only one who can survive The Killing Curse. As for Voldemort, there is a new most feared being...

Mon, 06/15/2009 - 17:11 — Laura-Kelly (not verified)

Chuck Norris doesn't use

Chuck Norris doesn't use Windex, he just makes the glass vanish out of thin air.

Mon, 06/15/2009 - 17:11 — Laura-Kelly (not verified)

Chuck Norris doesn't use

Chuck Norris doesn't use Windex, he just makes the glass vanish out of thin air.

Mon, 06/15/2009 - 17:10 — Laura-Kelly (not verified)

Chuck Norris doesn't use

Chuck Norris doesn't use Windex, he just makes the glass vanish out of thin air.

Wed, 05/13/2009 - 19:50 — Anonymous (not verified)

Once einstein went up to

Once einstein went up to chuck norris and sead that his rounghouse kicks are phisically impossible... Now we now him as stephen hoking.

Once somebody told chuck norris that roundhouse kick is not the best way to kick someone,that is now known as the biggest mistake ever made by man.

Sat, 05/09/2009 - 20:02 — Vector (not verified)

holy shit

"The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death."

I laughed so hard i almost saw Chuck Norris

Thu, 05/07/2009 - 18:35 — Kmatt0811 (not verified)

Mr. T once tried to pity

Mr. T once tried to pity Chuck Norris, so to get back at him, chuck norris invented racism

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he wins fair and square

Thu, 05/07/2009 - 18:31 — Kmatt0811 (not verified)

They once tried to make

They once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, and while being incredibly tough, it wouldn't take crap from anyone

Thu, 05/07/2009 - 17:38 — Anonymous (not verified)

Chuck Norris' lawn

Chuck Norris never mows his lawn. He decides how high the grass can grow and that's where it stops.

Sat, 05/02/2009 - 23:53 — Anonymous (not verified)

More Chuck Norris

Did you know that Chuck Norris invented water? Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. he decides what time it is. If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, then Chuck Norris has more than you. Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin. it's just another fist. chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there. If you wanna know Chuck Norris's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Whats the fastest way to a mans heart? A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to read books. He just stares them down until he gets the info out of them that he needs.

Geiko just saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris. Hoped you liked them

Tue, 05/19/2009 - 23:53 — Anonymous (not verified)

whats the best gun on earth:

whats the best gun on earth: chuck norris' fist

Thu, 04/30/2009 - 19:07 — Anonymous (not verified)

Mr. T was once a white man.

Mr. T was once a white man. He tried to pity Chuck Norris, so Chuck beat him until he was black and blue. The black was permenant.

Tue, 04/28/2009 - 15:30 — Thorax in Calexico (not verified)

Chuck Norris' red blood

Chuck Norris' red blood cells are shaped like fists.

Thu, 04/30/2009 - 16:19 — Anonymous (not verified)

fasdfjk;jas;dlkfja;lsdkjfalp;ksdjfa;lskdjf;alksdjf

Chuck Norris speaks braille

chuck norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.

x
D

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