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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris might not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life¦ unless it gets in his way.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
When you say no one’s perfect, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
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