Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor’s office], how can I help you?”

Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

Me: “Okay, hold please.”

(I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”  read more »

(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”  read more »

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't move.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."  read more »

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. My name is ***, how can I help you?

Customer: *distinct southern accent* “Where am I calling?”

Me: “*** technical support. Are you having trouble with your internet, sir?”

Customer: “I know that. I mean, what part of the world?”

Me: “I’m in Canada, sir. Is there something I can help you with?”  read more »

BURGER-SHAPED MACHINE: Welcome to Burger King™, may I take your order?

CUSTOMER: Yeah, I'll have a large basket of fries please.

MACHINE: Would you like some fries with that?

CUSTOMER: That's what I just ordered!

MACHINE: My mistake. Would you like a shake with that?

CUSTOMER: Sure, I'll have a chocolate one.

MACHINE: So that's a large basket of fries and a chocolate shake?  read more »

(The bakery had just closed. I had clocked out, and was on my way out of the store.)

Lady: “Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.”

Lady: “But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, what do you do for a living?”

Lady: “I’m a dentist…”  read more »

They advertised running water in each room, but I did't expect it to come from the ceiling.

They only served three meals. Breakfast on Monday, Lunch on Tuesday and Dinner on Saturday.

I couldn't complain about the room service. There wasn't any.

They changed beds twice a day - from one room to the next.

I had running water in my room. Shame it never stopped.

Everything was cold except the ice water.

The hotel has started stealing towels from the guests.  read more »

Customer: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Customer: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Customer: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Customer: A SOUP bowl!  read more »

While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year.......

Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss.

Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?

Bill: Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated.

Contractor: Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.  read more »

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No"

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"Bill Gates"

"Country?"

"The USA"

"Native language?"

"English"  read more »