Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A few days ago I received this email. I
decided to have some fun and mess with them a little bit. Deleting
these emails every day is a waste of my time so I thought I'd waste
theirs. I decided to see how weird I could get before they stopped
replying to my emails.

Here is the email exchange in full:
___________________________________

Dear friend

My name is Mr. Yan, I needed to contact you; it's due to a business worth
($60,500,000.00) in a bank in Taiwan.

If you are interested, email me via:

yunnc8@yahoo.com.tw
(this is the email address they're using, feel free to spam the shit out of it)

Mr. Yan
___________________________________

Mr Yan

First
off let me thank you for calling me your friend. Secondly, for valuing
that friendship enough to contact me with this business opportunity, I
applaud you. $60,500,000.00 sounds like a lot of money. How much is
that in British £'s exactly?

I'll look forward to hearing from you with more details.

Your Friend

Mike B
___________________________________

[This
email is quite long. If you want to skip through it, it's just the
usual story about a lot of money stuck in a foreign country and how he
needs my help to release it (I'd have to be registered as the next of
kin to some banker who faked his death)]

Dear Mike B

My names are Mr. Liu Yan , I'm an Account Officer with DBS Bank, Taipei Branch, Taiwan.

In
the early Nineties to 2002, while my Partner, Mr. Keung, a former top
executive in Bank of China. As you may be aware, bank of China is the
worlds largest lender after HSBC , hence my friends and I, managers
too, set-up a few window companies and borrowed monies to ourselves
using these companies knowing our positions would ensure that this was
not discovered. Bank of China accountants carried out a routine check
during October 2001 and a loss of US$485 million was discovered.

So far about 75-100 million US dollars has been discovered by local authorities in China.

Because
of the hit from Bank of China while my partner was still in China, an
arranged funeral was held for my partner after he had deposited
2,034,136,420.00TWD, this is valued to $60,500,000.00 with DBS Bank,
Taipei Branch, Taiwan . And 2,600,000,000.00 TWD, this is valued to
$83,500,000.00 with International bank of Taipei now Sino Pac bank,
Taiwan. I need you to assist me in pulling this money from the two
separate banks mentioned above.

My partner is still very much
alive and this fund cannot be claimed until a next of kin is brought
forward. My suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to
stand as the next of kin to my partner so that you will be able to
receive his funds and for the money be pulled out from my bank and out
from my country. We really have limited time left to pull this money
out from my bank; this is why I need your assistance to pull the money
out.

I will be sending you another email soon after you let me know that you have read this email.

Sincerely,

Mr. Yan.
___________________________________

Mr Yan

I
must say I'm intrigued by your email. However, I still haven't been
told how much I would be paid in British £'s. I don't understand
dollars.

It has long been a dream of mine to buy a pair of
special bouncy legs (the kind you sometimes see in the Special
Olympics). I would attach these to my feet so I could run like the
wind. I would also like to do a pair of twins. Hopefully the money I
make from this will help me realise those dreams.

I'll look forward to receiving more information

Your Friend

Mike B

[I thought the special bouncy legs thing might give the game away but apparently not]
___________________________________

[As
you can see from this response, he hadn't bothered to read my email. He
was just fishing for personal information. This is another one you
might want to skip through, it basically tells me that they will take
care of everything, there's no risk etc and asks for my name, address
and telephone number before they can tell me the rest of the plan]

Dear Mike B

I
will like you to know that before we proceed. In every business there
are expenses incurred . I am not telling you to give me any money, but
you must be aware of the fact I will be responsible for any expenses
here from my side in Taiwan to the transfer charges from here to the
first bank the money will be transferred to. while you will
beresposible for any expenses from your side in setting the two
accounts you will open in your name for this business only.

TRANSFER PLAN:

I
want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we
shall come out successful. I have hired an attorney that will prepare
the necessary documentations that will back you up as the next of kin
to my partner, all that is required from you at this stage is your :

Full Names:

Contact Address:

Telephone number:

After
you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for
claims on your behalf and secure the move of the funds to an account
that will be provided by you.

There is no risk involved at all
in the matter. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated
bank account we shall share in the ratio of 80% for us, 20% for you.

Finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards

Mr. Yan
___________________________________

[I decided to ask the same question for a 3rd time offering them the information they needed once they'd answered me]

Mr Yan

I'm disappointed that yet again you haven't answered my question. What will my share be in British £'s? I
have mortgage payments to make and my gran needs a new dog kennel (for
her dog, we don't keep my gran in a kennel). If it is a substantial
amount of money I will send you the details you asked for.

I'll look forward to hearing from you

Your Friend

Mike B
___________________________________

Dear Mike B

Thank you for your prompt response, I appreciate your interest in this transaction.

I
have been able to discussed with attorney on the way forward and he
suggested that we share in the ratio of 35% for you and 65% for us.35%
which is $21,175,000 is valued to (15,326,036.79 GBP) your share.

All that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your :

Full Names:

Contact Address:

Telephone number:

Before I can give you more details about this transaction.
I shall be waiting your response and assurance.

Sincerely,

Mr. Yan
___________________________________

[Knowing
that he actually read my previous email and went to the trouble of
converting the currency, I thought I'd see if he would do anything else]

Mr Yan

Thank
you for your quick reply. £15 million is more money than I ever dreamed
of. With that sort of money I could hire a team of trained monkey
butlers for my mansion!

As for the information you required, my
full name is Michael Gilbert Brownshaft. I'm not sure what the postal
code is for my address as I've only been there for a few weeks (I'm on
holiday until Saturday but I'll check when I get back). The new
telephone is being set up on Monday so I'll have that for you then.

Now,
you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake and his eyes, and I
never do business with a man who has a weak hand or a dishonest eye.
Obviously I'm not going to be able to meet you as you are in Taiwan so
a handshake is out of the question, but before we make this deal I'm
going to need to look into your eyes. I would appreciate it if you
could send me a photo of your eyes so I know that you are a good and
honest man. I understand if you don't want to send the picture but I
can't do business with a man who has evil in his eyes.

I'll look forward to hearing from you

Your Friend

Mike B
___________________________________

Mike B

Await the required information from you as soon as possible.

before I can give you more details about this transaction.

I shall be waiting your response and assurance.

Sincerely,

Mr. Yan.
___________________________________

Mr Yan

As
I explained in my previous email, I only do business with people I
trust. All I ask is for a picture of your eyes. Don't be embarrassed if
you're really ugly or a ginger, I won't judge you, I just need to see
your eyes.

I'll look forward to hearing from you

Mike B
___________________________________

[This was attached to the reply]

Mike B

Await the required information from you as soon as possible.

I shall be waiting your response and assurance.

Sincerely,

Mr. Yan

___________________________________

[I attached a photo to my reply]

Mr Yan

Thank
you for sending the picture, you have very pretty eyes. Has anybody
ever told you that you look like Hiro from the TV show Heroes? I bet
you're sick of people asking that, you must get it all the time.

Since I've seen your eyes I think it's only fair that you get to see mine.

I
hope you like them. I've opened them really wide so that you can have a
really good look. As you can see there is no evil in there, only lust.

Here are the details you requested:

My full name: Michael Gilbert Brownshaft
My address: 2019 Bellend Road, London, SE15 4DH

I will give you my telephone number when it is set up (hopefully on Monday)

Awaiting further instructions.

Your Friend and Admirer

Mike B

PS. You look great for a 57 year old. Maybe when this is all over we could go for a drink sometime, or maybe go see a movie?

--------------------------------------------

That
seems to have done the trick. Some creepy compliments and a pic of some
big bulging eyes was all it took to for them to give up. It's a shame
really, I was just starting to enjoy myself. They finally realised they
weren't going to get anything from me and moved on to the next idiot
who replied to their email. I can't believe they actually sent a
picture so I could see if they had honest eyes.

I
read an article in a magazine a couple of years ago about people who
mess with email scammers, they managed to get one to take a picture of
himself holding up a piece of paper with "homo" written on it. Oh well,
maybe next time...

Technorati Tags: