Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?  read more »

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."  read more »

A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight.

After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?  read more »

I was driving on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck.

He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.

I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot!" I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this.

As I drive away, she yells, "*******" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.  read more »

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read “No Stoping.”

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law.

Brandishing a Webster’s dictionary, he noted that stoping means:

“extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground.”  read more »

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.  read more »

Many years ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court".

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.  read more »

The defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.  read more »

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
 
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?", the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big, ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.

The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars',

but instead I said, 'the devil is the father of lawyers',  read more »

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collided with an attorney, who happened to be driving in the opposite direction.

The attorney, seeing that the doctor was a bit shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted, took a long drink and handed the flask back to the attorney, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor."  read more »