Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"  read more »

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use.

One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. T

he second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane.

The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.  read more »

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'

At the height of a corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five hundred thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"  read more »

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"  read more »

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, 'We've been waiting a long time for you.'

'What do you mean,' he replied, 'I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?'

'45? You're not 45, you're 82,' replied the angel.

'Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.'

'Hold on. Let me go check,' said the angel and disappeared inside.  read more »

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

'Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.'  read more »

01- In Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to put a dollar on a string on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.

02- In Los Angeles, it’s illegal for a waiter to tell a customer “I’m really an actor.”

03- In Indiana, it’s against the law to dress “Barbie” in “Ken’s” clothes.

04- In Sedona, Ariz., it’s illegal to lie about your astrological sign.

05- In Texas, it’s illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.

06- In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday.  read more »

A man is at his lawyer’s funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.

He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man’s funeral?”

A man turns towards him and says, “We’re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we came  read more »