Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.  read more »

Many years ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court".

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.  read more »

The defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.  read more »

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.
 
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?", the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big, ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.

The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars',

but instead I said, 'the devil is the father of lawyers',  read more »

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collided with an attorney, who happened to be driving in the opposite direction.

The attorney, seeing that the doctor was a bit shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted, took a long drink and handed the flask back to the attorney, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor."  read more »

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.  read more »

Two lawyers and their boss go out for lunch and run into a genie.

"If you all give me five dollars each, I'll grant you one wish." The genie sighed.

All three lawyers debated and gave the genie fifteen dollars total. The
first one goes, "I would like to go to Paradise and never come back."
He was gone.

"Wow, that was some serious," said the other two.

The second lawyer goes and wishes for a beautiful wife and unlimited money in Paradise.  read more »

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied:  read more »

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."  read more »

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."  read more »