Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

1. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.  read more »

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.  read more »

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  read more »

DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURES

Lodging

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation  read more »

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.  read more »

1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.)

2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of
socks.)

4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"  read more »

1. Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.

2. Submit letters of resignation for other employees.

3. Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.

4. Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they’ve been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately.  read more »

A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)  read more »

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience He said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added "And that woman was my mother" Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top IT manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.  read more »

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?  read more »