Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)  read more »

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience He said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added "And that woman was my mother" Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top IT manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.  read more »

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?  read more »

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.   "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."  The cannibals promised they would not.  read more »

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.  read more »

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?
 
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
 
OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY
 
CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR
 
OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?
 
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
 
OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?
 
CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR
 
OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE
 
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
 
OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?
 
CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
 
OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?  read more »

How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)

1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
   Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

   The family picture is on HER desk.
   Umm, her family will come before her career.

2. HIS desk is cluttered.
   He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

   HER desk is cluttered.
   She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain

3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
   He must be discussing the latest deal  read more »

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.  read more »

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning.

He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"  read more »

Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

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This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."

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From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and  read more »