Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in
the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman
stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing
tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part
of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss
know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"Please don't!" said the dog. "If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me
answer the phone, too!"

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."  read more »

Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.

Man: And how would you do that?

Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: What are you doing?

Woman: I’m a light bulb.

Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?

The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.

1. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.  read more »

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.  read more »

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  read more »

DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURES

Lodging

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation  read more »

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.  read more »

1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.)

2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of
socks.)

4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"  read more »

1. Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.

2. Submit letters of resignation for other employees.

3. Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.

4. Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they’ve been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately.  read more »