Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

My cousin Pam sent me this list and I had to laugh because I had received every one of these.

I don’t think she was the one who compiled it - so whoever did - thanks for the warnings.

Here’s your dose of doom for today!

* Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.  read more »

Some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:  read more »

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

***********

Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

***********

Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
***********

Love affairs:

Something like  read more »

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma " And they say blondes are dumb...

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A blond woman buys a bath, the next day she returnes to the shop claiming it's broken and leaking water, she says every time i fill it up it just empties.

The shop keeper replies have you put the plug in it, she replys "I never knew it was electrical"
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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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A blonde was taking the tour of a national park  read more »

Tip 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Tip 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.  read more »

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

In a Nonsmoking Area:  read more »

*Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

*Indecision is the key to flexibility.

*One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

*Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

*The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

*The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.  read more »

1. Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is what's dangerous.

2. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

3. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No one has ever collided with the sky.

4. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.  Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival - and vice versa.

5. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.  read more »

1. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 

2. We must polish the Polish furniture. 

3. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 

4. The bandage was wound around the wound. 

5. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 

6. The United Nations sometimes sanctions the imposition of sanctions on an evil dictator. 

7. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 

8. The farm was used to produce produce.   read more »

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- Governor George W. Bush  read more »