One Liner Jokes



Halloween Funny Questions and Answers

Q. Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
A. Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!

Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It’s good for the bones.

Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A. You suck.

Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A. So long sucker!

Q. What do they teach in witching school?
A. Spelling.

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance ?
A. Because he had no body to go with.

Q. What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?
A. They PUMP–KIN!!!



How to be totally awesome

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"  read more »



Top Funny Oneliner

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Born free, taxed to death.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.  read more »



Restaurant One Liners

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.



Important Laws Newton Forgot to State

Okay, you know Newton's Laws. But there are some laws Newton forgot to state in his life time! Here are the unpublished laws of Newton! Note: These things are just for fun. Don't take them seriously.

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.  read more »



Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  read more »



Creative Word Definitions

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead..

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN  read more »



Did you ever stop and wonder, why?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?

Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why people say they “slept like a baby”, when babies normally wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?  read more »



20 Phrases you wish you could say at work more often

1. No, my powers can only be used for good.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

5. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.  read more »



Funny Questions and Answers from Springdale, Arkansas

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.  read more »

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