Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.

2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.

3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.

4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.

Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels.

Q. What is Obama's new 999 plan for America?
A. $9.99 a gallon gasoline.
Tip o'the hat to Newt

Q. Why does Obama keep jacking up the cost of gasoline?
A. So that voters can't afford to drive to the polls in November.

Obama is demanding that Congress give him another trillion dollar spending bill. Most of it is just for gas money.

Q, Why are jobs at all time lows and gas at all time highs?
A. Obama's back from vacation.

1. Obama wouldn't wear brown shoes with a blue suit.
2. Obama really, really likes dogs.
3. The White House lawn is nice.
4. No more Pontiacs.
5. Gold is at an all time high.
6. Obama knows all the best golf courses.
7. Obama's ears don't obstruct his vision.
8. Obama has visited all 57 states.
9. Obama hasn't violated the Third Amendment.
10. Obama wouldn't wear blue shoes with a brown suit.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.  read more »

What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
Oh look, little donut seeds.

How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.

Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?"

What do you call a blond with a high IQ?
A golden retriever.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.  read more »

1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

6. I like clay. It's mushy.

7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.  read more »

What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day?
I Love Ewe!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
I'm stuck on you!

What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
Owl be yours!

What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
Cauliflowers!

What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valentiny!

What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day?
I'm nuts about you!  read more »

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

The box said ‘Requires Windows Vista or better’. So I installed LINUX.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.  read more »

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New
Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old
year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,
With never a thought of sorrow;
The old goes out, but the glad young year
Comes merrily in tomorrow.
- Emily Miller

The proper behavior all through the holiday season
is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New
Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person
you're married to.
- P.J. O'Rourke  read more »

1.Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.

4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!  read more »