Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Born free, taxed to death.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.  read more »

Jimmy Carr's One liners

1. Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

2) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

3) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.

4) I went up to the airport information desk. I said: "How many airports are there in the world?"

5) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...  read more »

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New
Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old
year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,
With never a thought of sorrow;
The old goes out, but the glad young year
Comes merrily in tomorrow.
- Emily Miller

The proper behavior all through the holiday season
is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New
Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person
you're married to.
- P.J. O'Rourke  read more »

1.Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.

2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.

3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.

4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.

5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!  read more »

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?
Address.  read more »

Texting codes for senior citizens is bit different than what we teens have been using texting codes like LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc. Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids) Finally senior citizens can have their own texting codes! Glad you senior citizens will use these texting codes extensively ....

Texting Codes for Senior Citizens as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth [this one is very hilarious]

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center  read more »

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.  read more »

Our english is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc....... Who got time for grammer, punctuation and others ... Simple and straight

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?  read more »

1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.

2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.

3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.

4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.

Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels.

Q. What is Obama's new 999 plan for America?
A. $9.99 a gallon gasoline.
Tip o'the hat to Newt

Q. Why does Obama keep jacking up the cost of gasoline?
A. So that voters can't afford to drive to the polls in November.

Obama is demanding that Congress give him another trillion dollar spending bill. Most of it is just for gas money.

Q, Why are jobs at all time lows and gas at all time highs?
A. Obama's back from vacation.