One Liner Jokes

Important Laws Newton Forgot to State

Okay, you know Newton's Laws. But there are some laws Newton forgot to state in his life time! Here are the unpublished laws of Newton! Note: These things are just for fun. Don't take them seriously.

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.  read more »

Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  read more »

Creative Word Definitions

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

A place where women curl up and dye.

Someone who is fed up with people.

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead..

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN  read more »

Did you ever stop and wonder, why?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?

Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why people say they “slept like a baby”, when babies normally wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?  read more »

20 Phrases you wish you could say at work more often

1. No, my powers can only be used for good.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

5. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.  read more »

Funny Questions and Answers from Springdale, Arkansas

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.  read more »

Best New One liner Jokes

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.

You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...  read more »

Best One Liner Jokes

Born free, taxed to death.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.  read more »

Jimmy Carr's Top One liner Jokes

Jimmy Carr's One liners

1. Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.

2) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

3) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.

4) I went up to the airport information desk. I said: "How many airports are there in the world?"

5) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...  read more »


An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New
Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old
year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,
With never a thought of sorrow;
The old goes out, but the glad young year
Comes merrily in tomorrow.
- Emily Miller

The proper behavior all through the holiday season
is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New
Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person
you're married to.
- P.J. O'Rourke  read more »

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