Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Q: How many Frenchmen died in World War II????
A: Not Enough.

Q: Why do we need France on our side against Sadaam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman

Q: What’s the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.

Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?  read more »

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)  read more »

A magazine recently ran a "dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)  read more »

1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.  read more »

Actual Newspaper Ads and Classifieds:

* AMANA WASHER $100.  OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

* SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

* FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

* 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

* TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTOMATIC, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

* TICKLE ME ELMO.  NEW IN BOX.  HARDLY TICKLED. $700  read more »

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

* "Do you have books here?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

* "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")  read more »

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.

PLATO:
For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.  read more »

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal  read more »

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  read more »