Best comedian quotes

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’
The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)

Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle )

A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )

To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white
guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is
Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S.
of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )

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