Born free, taxed to death.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
I can handle pain until it hurts.