Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.

A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.

About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".

All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

The candles cost more than the cake.

The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

You buy trousers with the waist size larger than the length.

You can remember that your school desk had an inkwell with real ink.

You can remember when a stop sign meant STOP!

You can remember when coke bottles had the town location of the bottling company on the bottom.

You can remember when you could get a room at Motel 6 for six dollars.

You can remember when your milk shake came with two straws.

You carry an umbrella.

You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You develop a knack for wearing hats.

You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large. In that order.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

You don't remember being absent minded.

You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You find it hard to get out of a low-down car.

You find yourself standing in line and can't remember why.

You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You have more hair growing out of your ears than you have on your head.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You hold all reading material at arms length just to read it.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

You move something to a more logical location and then can only remember where it used to be.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You owned a car that had running boards.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You read more and remember less.

You read the obituaries each day to make sure you're not listed.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

You realize your rock-hard abs have turned to pillow-soft flabs.

You remember when shopkeepers used to say "Come Again." instead of "Have a nice day."

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.

You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

You still have a rotary phone.

You stop growing at the ends and start growing in the middle.

You stop half way up the stairs, and can't remember if you were going up or coming down.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You tell your kids about the "Olden Days".

You tip more and carry less.

You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

You were alive when crayolas only came in eight colors.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You write down a name with the telephone number and when you look at it again, you still don't have a clue who it is.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

you're on vacation and you run out of energy before you run out of money.

You've seen it all, done it all, and can't remember most of it!

Younger men ask you for advice.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your attire includes Hawaiian shirt, shorts, sandals and black socks.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

Your insurance company sends you half a calendar.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your medical expenses go up 50%.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your mind bets you can do the simple physical tasks you've always done, and your body bets you can't...and gives odds.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

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