I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
My cousin Pam sent me this list and I had to laugh because I had received every one of these.
I donâ€™t think she was the one who compiled it - so whoever did - thanks for the warnings.
Hereâ€™s your dose of doom for today!
* Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
* I canâ€™t use the remote in a hotel room because I donâ€™t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.
* I canâ€™t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
* I canâ€™t enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
* I canâ€™t touch any womanâ€™s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
* I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
* Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
* I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program
* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaâ€™s novena has granted my every wish.
* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
* Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
* Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
* I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer wonâ€™t crawl in my back seat when Iâ€™m pumping gas.
* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put â€˜Under Godâ€™ on their cans.
* I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan
* If you donâ€™t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborâ€™s ex-mother-in-lawâ€™s second husbandâ€™s cousinâ€™s beautician.
OK - kidding aside now.
The big questions in my mind - with all the fear in the world already -
WHO WRITES THESE SCARY EMAILS?