Some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(A little late for that warning!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(I never would have guessed that one)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save everyone a little more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And I was taking this because....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what other uses?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious - what other use???.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(ane let me guess....Fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.