Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

1 - On Drugs
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

2 - On Acting
“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

3 - On Doughnuts
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file . . . under ‘D’, for doughnut.’”

4 - On FedEx
“I like the FedEx guy, ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it! And he’s always on time.”

5 - On Pringles
“I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Cut ‘em up!’”

6 - On Sprite
“They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there’s more to it than that. ‘Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?’ . . . ‘Not until you figure out what else is in it!’”

7 - On Fettucini Alfredo
“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

8 - On Rotisserie Chicken
“I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.”

9 - On Mountain Climbing
“I want to climb a mountain—not so I can get to the top—cause I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fun. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around, ‘Hey, you going to the top?’ . . . ‘Soon.’”

10 - On Flyers
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’”

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