Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

By Woody Allen (1935 - ) US movie actor, comedian, & director

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