1.Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.
2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.
3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.
5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year! read more »
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
What bird can lift the most?
What bone will a dog never eat?
What can you hold without ever touching it?
What clothes does a house wear?
Address. read more »
Texting codes for senior citizens is bit different than what we teens have been using texting codes like LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc. Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids) Finally senior citizens can have their own texting codes! Glad you senior citizens will use these texting codes extensively ....
Texting Codes for Senior Citizens as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth [this one is very hilarious]
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center read more »
Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.
All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.
I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.
Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade. read more »
Our english is simple, short, concise, straight to the point, effective etc....... Who got time for grammer, punctuation and others ... Simple and straight
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Asian : No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Asian : Hello, who page?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way? read more »
1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.
2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.
3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.
4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.
Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels.
Q. What is Obama's new 999 plan for America?
A. $9.99 a gallon gasoline.
Tip o'the hat to Newt
Q. Why does Obama keep jacking up the cost of gasoline?
A. So that voters can't afford to drive to the polls in November.
Obama is demanding that Congress give him another trillion dollar spending bill. Most of it is just for gas money.
Q, Why are jobs at all time lows and gas at all time highs?
A. Obama's back from vacation.
1. Obama wouldn't wear brown shoes with a blue suit.
2. Obama really, really likes dogs.
3. The White House lawn is nice.
4. No more Pontiacs.
5. Gold is at an all time high.
6. Obama knows all the best golf courses.
7. Obama's ears don't obstruct his vision.
8. Obama has visited all 57 states.
9. Obama hasn't violated the Third Amendment.
10. Obama wouldn't wear blue shoes with a brown suit.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. read more »
What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios?
Oh look, little donut seeds.
How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.
Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?"
What do you call a blond with a high IQ?
A golden retriever.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone. read more »