Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"  read more »

1. "What's Wal-Mart? Do they, like, make walls there?" - Paris Hilton

2. "Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

3. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death stuff." - Mariah Carey  read more »

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’
The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ (Jay Leno)

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)  read more »

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig..

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.  read more »

She was soooo blonde that ...

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

She sold the car for gas money.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.  read more »

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
 
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
 
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"  read more »

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ( Steve Martin)

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. ( Steve Martin)

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair. ( Steve Martin)

I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on. ( Steve Martin)

There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you. ( Steve Martin)  read more »

1. Your family only visits you twice a year.

2. You live for months in a 10×10 room with someone you barely know who you fear might kill you while you sleep.

3. You always talk about what life will be like once you’re out.

4. You get excited when the cafeteria serves you something resembling real food.

5. You take classes that are completely useless to you in the real world.

6. Everyone around you is an amateur philosopher or poet (or coke dealer).  read more »

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."  read more »

Insurance is not normally something that you can associate with laughter, so we have collated these insurance jokes, quotes and stories for you

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."  read more »