1. No, my powers can only be used for good.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
5. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. read more »
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. read more »
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood... read more »
Born free, taxed to death.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them. read more »
Jimmy Carr's One liners
1. Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
2) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
3) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
4) I went up to the airport information desk. I said: "How many airports are there in the world?"
5) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian... read more »
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New
Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old
- Bill Vaughan
Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,
With never a thought of sorrow;
The old goes out, but the glad young year
Comes merrily in tomorrow.
- Emily Miller
The proper behavior all through the holiday season
is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New
Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person
you're married to.
- P.J. O'Rourke read more »
1.Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.
2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.
3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.
5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year! read more »
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
What bird can lift the most?
What bone will a dog never eat?
What can you hold without ever touching it?
What clothes does a house wear?
Address. read more »
Texting codes for senior citizens is bit different than what we teens have been using texting codes like LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc. Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids) Finally senior citizens can have their own texting codes! Glad you senior citizens will use these texting codes extensively ....
Texting Codes for Senior Citizens as follows:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth [this one is very hilarious]
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center read more »
Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.
All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.
I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.
Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade. read more »