Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.  read more »

Describe your own job in one sentence

1.    Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer
2.    Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
3.    Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
4.    Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
5.    Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
6.    Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester  read more »

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.  read more »

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.  read more »

1. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

2. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."  read more »

iPod: It’ll break in a year, but by then you’ll want the new one.

Apple: You think you need it, we know you just want it.

Ikea: One day you’ll be able to afford real furniture.

Hummer: Get the attention you’ve always craved. While filling up the gas tank again.

Taco Bell: You’re drunk and we’re still open.

Zipcar: So convenient that you’ll ignore the high rates AND the dog hair.

Southwest Airlines: On your marks, get set, find a seat!  read more »

1. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

2. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

6. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.  read more »

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."  read more »

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?  read more »

1. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

2. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

3. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?  read more »