1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life. read more »
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called, "Holes"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. read more »
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. read more »
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: read more »
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour (brilliant, love this)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans read more »
"So Bob, did you hear the news this morning?" "Yeah, something about the sale prices on fresh organs going up..."
(sings) The left vein's connected to the...right aorta...the left brain's connected to the..stomach bone...
A screwdriver?... This can't be right.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
After everything we did, I can't believe this guy is still alive.
Ah well, you win some, you lose some...
Alright everyone, let's dig in. read more »
06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.
A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".
All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch. read more »
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" read more »
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. read more »
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. read more »