Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
-Albert Einstein

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
-Albert Einstein

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving"
-Albert Einstein

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
-Albert Einstein  read more »

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Francisco ("Pancho") Villa

I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast!
"Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber

Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

Get these ******** nuns away from me.
Norman Douglas

Don't worry...it's not loaded...  read more »

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health
hotline.

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  read more »

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - and I'm also not blonde. Dolly Parton

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. Carrie Snow

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. Rhonda Hansome

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

Comedy is like catching lightning in a bottle. Goldie Hawn

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. Jennifer Whenifer  read more »

1. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?  read more »

Some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:  read more »

Things you would never know without the Movies

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.  read more »

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.  read more »

As any experienced conversationalist can tell you, ambiguity is the key to winning any argument. Following are a few popular proverbs and counter-proverbs that will allow you to turn a conversation in any direction you want. Who can argue with the wit and wisdom of our fore fathers, or even our five fathers?

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Clothes make the man.  read more »

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie  read more »