Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

50.
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I
wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug.
13, 2002

49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." —Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will  read more »

Some type of police officers have a sense of humor too....

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: 

#16 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#15 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

# 14 "If you take your  read more »

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.  read more »

JESUS SAVES!   But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
(Men's restroom - American University: Washington, D.C.)

Make love, not war.   Hell, do both, get married!
(Women's restroom - The Filling Station: Bozeman, Montana)

Remember, it's not "How high are you?" - it's "Hi, how are you?"
(Rest stop off Route 81, WV.)

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
(Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea: Tucson, Arizona)

Beauty is only a light switch away.  read more »

Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.  read more »

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.

If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.  read more »

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

--------------------

A blond student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean...  read more »

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

My cousin Pam sent me this list and I had to laugh because I had received every one of these.

I don’t think she was the one who compiled it - so whoever did - thanks for the warnings.

Here’s your dose of doom for today!

* Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.  read more »

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

***********

Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

***********

Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
***********

Love affairs:

Something like  read more »

Tip 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Tip 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.  read more »