Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

In a Nonsmoking Area:  read more »

*Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

*Indecision is the key to flexibility.

*One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

*Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

*The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

*The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.  read more »

1. Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is what's dangerous.

2. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

3. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No one has ever collided with the sky.

4. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.  Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival - and vice versa.

5. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.  read more »

1. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 

2. We must polish the Polish furniture. 

3. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 

4. The bandage was wound around the wound. 

5. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 

6. The United Nations sometimes sanctions the imposition of sanctions on an evil dictator. 

7. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 

8. The farm was used to produce produce.   read more »

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- Governor George W. Bush  read more »

Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

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This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."

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From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and  read more »

1. Hot water will comes out of both taps.

2. Potatoes will cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

3. Shade will determines the best parking space, not distance.

4. You will find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

5. The birds will need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

6. You will burn your hand opening the car door.

7. You will realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.  read more »

Chuck Norris can edit PDF files

Chuck Norris rips CDs with his hands

Chuck Norris can download Metallica mp3s using Napster

Chuck Norris has a yahoo account with hotmail

Chuck Norris has an Intel CPU on an AMD motherboard

Chuck Norris has to chain his mouse to his desktop

Chuck Norris can program a MAC with excel macros

Chuck Norris website has never had a hit - Nobody hits Chuck Norris’ website

Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE  read more »

These are actual school leave applications from parents (including original spelling).

1. Dear School : Please ekscuse Shadrak being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..

3. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

4. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.  read more »

1. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Gun control is not about guns, it's about control.

4. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

5. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

6. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

7. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.

8. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.  read more »