Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."  read more »

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.  read more »

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."  read more »

1 - On Drugs
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

2 - On Acting
“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”  read more »

“I'll take you to a fancy restaurant.” Really means...
“This time we won't use the drive-thru window.”

“Will you marry me?” Really means...
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“I do help around the house.” Really means…
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.” Really means...
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”  read more »

10. They can play 2 player games by themselves.

9. They’re not sure what season, or year it is.

8. They’re best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).

7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.

6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.

5. Their fingers twitch all the time.

4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.  read more »

1. He misspells I.Q.

2. He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

3. He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

4. He thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

5. Under “education” on his job application, he put “Hooked On Phonics.”

6. He tripped over a cordless phone.

7. He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate.”  read more »

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.  read more »

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.  read more »

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

THE EYES:  !
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE

DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER  read more »