Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.  read more »

1. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

2. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face! 

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!  read more »

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.  read more »

1) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

2) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

3) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

7) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.  read more »

A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.

Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.

Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.  read more »

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."  read more »

Patient: Doctor, doctor I only have 59 seconds to live
Wait a minute!

Doctor! Doctor! my son has swallowed a pen!"
Use a pencil!

What is the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30 (tooth hurty)!

Docter docter I keep thinking I'm a rubbish bin.
Don't talk rubbish!

Doctor doctor I keep forgetting things.
What was that?
What was what?!
Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Pull your self together!  read more »

What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet

What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in a lift!

What's gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups!

What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow!

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to fix the fence!

What's big, gray and flies straight up?
An elecopter!  read more »

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.  read more »

A first grade teacher shared a number of well known proverbs with her students, asking them to complete the sentence. Their answers were surprisingly insightful:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a... Mister.  read more »