Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”

A farmer grabbed his 10-year-old son and asked, “Did you cut down that cherry tree?”

“Yes, Daddy, I did.” – the boy replied sobbing. “I cannot tell a lie.”

The farmer grabbed the boy, put him on his knee and whaled the tar out of him.

“But, Daddy,” the boy cried, “George Washington’s father didn’t do that to him when he cut down that cherry tree when he was a boy.”

“That’s true,” the father replied, “but George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when he cut it down!”

A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.

“Why did you do that to me?” – asked the boy.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!”
“No, but my Mom out in the care still does!” – the boy replied.

A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. “He’s not painless at all.” – said the boy.

“He put his finger in my mouth and I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would.

Garage Sale
Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!

Oil Spot
At night pour used oil underneath the  read more »

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.  read more »

I am Tired,
Yes, I'm tired.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron- poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But now I found out, it ain't that.

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.  read more »

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”.

After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it’s cool, follow my lead!" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door "no dogs allowed sir!" tom insisted "oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in" "it is? But that’s a dauchound !"  read more »

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Three mice were being chased by a cat.

The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared.

Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"