Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

My father died on Jan 02. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Mr. Hanson,  read more »

*  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.  Ask, "How long can I keep it?  Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
         read more »

Operator: 911 emergencies.
Boy: Yeah I need some help.
Operator: What’s the matter?
Boy: With my math.
Operator: With your mouth?
Boy: No with my math. I have to do it. Will you help me?
Operator: Sure. Where do you live?
Boy: No with my math.
Operator: Yeah I know. Where do you live though?
Boy: No, I want you to talk to me on the phone.
Operator: No I can’t do that. I can send someone else to help you.
Boy: Okay.
Operator: What kind of math do you have that you need help with?  read more »

Garage Sale
Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!

Oil Spot
At night pour used oil underneath the  read more »

A little boy  went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone number).

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?  read more »

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."  read more »

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."  read more »

50.
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I
wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug.
13, 2002

49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." —Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will  read more »

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.  After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

---------------------------------

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist  read more »

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.  read more »