Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.  After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist  read more »

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.  read more »

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
Mitch Hedberg  read more »

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.  read more »

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.

If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.  read more »

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

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A blond student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean...  read more »

The five jokes, which Sen. Obama said he is making available to all comedians free of charge, are as follows:

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Barack Obama and a kangaroo pull up to a gas station. The gas station attendant takes one look at the kangaroo and says, "You know, we don't get many kangaroos here." Barack Obama replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised. That's why we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil."

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A traveling salesman  read more »

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette.

Another deadly answer.

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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

My cousin Pam sent me this list and I had to laugh because I had received every one of these.

I don’t think she was the one who compiled it - so whoever did - thanks for the warnings.

Here’s your dose of doom for today!

* Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.  read more »

Ears:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys. (NOTE: Keys must also be cleaned regularly, because ear wax buildup can short circuit a starter switch.)

Brushing & Flossing  read more »