Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Tip 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Tip 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.  read more »

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The pharmacy technician explained that the device was out for repairs,

But said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.

He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath..."

EATING OUT

And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.  read more »

Dear Dad!

This $chool i$ really great.

I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

Mathematic$, a$tronomy, and economic$ are the $ubject$ I like.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a po$t card, a$ I would love to $ee $ome word$ from you.

$end it to me $oon,

Your $on
-----------------

A week later he received a letter from home:

Dear Son!  read more »

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)

--------------------

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.

--------------------  read more »

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - ' Thanks for flying XYZ airline' .

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. 

In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. 

However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.  read more »

George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and send him to guantanamo!!!

********************

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.

********************

Einstein Method:  read more »

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend,

but a successful woman is one who can find such a man!!!

--------------------

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven.

Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.

Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.  read more »

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.

It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

--------------------

While enjoying an early morning breakfast  read more »