Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine!  read more »

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'  read more »

Actual Newspaper Ads and Classifieds:

* AMANA WASHER $100.  OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

* SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

* FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

* 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

* TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTOMATIC, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

* TICKLE ME ELMO.  NEW IN BOX.  HARDLY TICKLED. $700  read more »

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

* "Do you have books here?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

* "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")  read more »

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.

PLATO:
For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.  read more »

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal  read more »

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  read more »

Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
A: He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?
A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
A: He's the one on his bike.

Q: What do you call a blonde at university?
A: A visitor.

Q. Why does a blonde smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.  read more »

* The metal backs of iPods are made from recycled zippers.

* Eskimos don’t believe in bridges or tunnels.

* Every sixteen minutes, someone named Richard dies.

* Billy Bob Thornton’s grandfather was the first person to own a television.

* Dolphins kill more people annually than sharks and influenza combined.

* On a dare, former President Rutherford B. Hayes declared war on Chile for 17 minutes.

* The original title for Catcher in the Rye was Hey, Look, a Carousel!  read more »

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.  read more »