Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor’s office], how can I help you?”

Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

Me: “Okay, hold please.”

(I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”  read more »

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.  read more »

A young couple decided to wed.

As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"  read more »

Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity.

He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't start his swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want  read more »

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.  read more »

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  read more »

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"  read more »

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolates with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop eating chocolates years ago,” the homeless woman told me.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.  read more »

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."  read more »

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought, and pulled over.  read more »