Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend,

but a successful woman is one who can find such a man!!!

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One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven.

Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.

Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen.

"Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

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Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service.

After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

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A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him,

"If you were my husband I would poison your drink!"

To which he replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it!"

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A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

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A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up,"

like the Bishop said: "4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

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"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter.

Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

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A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding.

The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute.

"Don't worry," she tells her daughter."

"I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune."

"What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked.

"I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.

When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:

"I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time,

the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

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