Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolates with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop eating chocolates years ago,” the homeless woman told me.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.  read more »

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought, and pulled over.  read more »

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to  read more »

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend,

but a successful woman is one who can find such a man!!!

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One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven.

Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.

Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.  read more »

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.

It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

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While enjoying an early morning breakfast  read more »

Womens hair cuts

Woman #1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman #1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.  read more »

“I'll take you to a fancy restaurant.” Really means...
“This time we won't use the drive-thru window.”

“Will you marry me?” Really means...
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“I do help around the house.” Really means…
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.” Really means...
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”  read more »

Fisher.

Must be able to dig worms, clean, and cook fish.

Must have own boat with motor.

Please send the photograph of motorboat.

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Banker

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

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Car Mechanic

Wanted a sturdy wife.

Should be in working condition.

Should be above average and must run household at a good average.  read more »

There were three guys talking in the cafe. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says...

"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.  read more »

Jim had awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman...

"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the tuna."

"But , why?"  read more »