Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

Womens hair cuts

Woman #1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman #1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.  read more »

“I'll take you to a fancy restaurant.” Really means...
“This time we won't use the drive-thru window.”

“Will you marry me?” Really means...
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“I do help around the house.” Really means…
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.” Really means...
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”  read more »

Fisher.

Must be able to dig worms, clean, and cook fish.

Must have own boat with motor.

Please send the photograph of motorboat.

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Banker

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

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Car Mechanic

Wanted a sturdy wife.

Should be in working condition.

Should be above average and must run household at a good average.  read more »

There were three guys talking in the cafe. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says...

"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.  read more »

Jim had awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman...

"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the tuna."

"But , why?"  read more »

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME__________________________

DATE OF BIRTH___________________

HEIGHT________WEIGHT__________

IQ___________ GPA______________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_______________

DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______

HOME ADDRESS___________________  read more »

Tip 1 - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way - Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Tip 2 - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.  read more »

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”

“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”

“It’s even worse than that,” he confided.  read more »

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.  read more »

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later  read more »